The Golden Rule of Friendship

Table of Contents

• 😊 Making Others Feel Good
• 😬 Bad Body Language
• 😑 Making Everything About Yourself
• 😠 Talking Too Much About Negative Things
• 🙌 Stick to the Golden Rule
• 🤔 The Importance of Value
• FAQ

😊 Making Others Feel Good

In the previous lesson, we discussed the four factors that determine the depth of our relationships with others. However, simply employing these factors does not guarantee that we will befriend others. There is one crucial rule that we must follow to ensure that we develop friendships instead of making enemies. It is called the golden rule of friendship.

I once knew a girl named Stacey who struggled with making long-lasting relationships. She didn't have childhood friends, high-school buddies, and even her co-workers rarely asked her to hang out. She always felt like the people she befriended did not stay loyal to her. After years of learning about social skills, I realized that it was because she consistently broke the golden rule of friendship.

The golden rule of friendship states that if we want people to like us, we have to make them feel good. When we make people feel good, they will want to be around us more. On the other hand, if we make them feel bad, they will avoid us. While it may seem simple, there are many ways that people accidentally break this rule. Stacey, for example, broke this rule in three different ways.

😬 Bad Body Language

Stacey had what New Yorkers call a resting bitchface. It's a combination of a subtle frown and glazed-over eyes that are present on someone's face all the time. This was the first way that Stacey broke the golden rule of friendship—by having bad body language.

The body language she portrayed made it seem like she wasn't interested in what others were saying and that she was unhappy when interacting with them. When someone appears uninterested and unhappy, it gives the impression that what they are saying is boring or that they are not listening. This can make others instinctively want to avoid them in the future. Nobody wants to talk to someone who seems uninterested in what they have to say.

Good body language is essential to prevent breaking the golden rule of friendship. We will explore examples of good and bad body language in more detail in future videos of the befriend course.

😑 Making Everything About Yourself

During one interaction, I was sharing a personal story with Stacey about my struggles in high school and how I was able to make positive changes. However, before I could finish my story, Stacey butted in and started telling her own story about her struggles in high school, emphasizing how hers were worse than mine. This was the second way that Stacey broke the golden rule of friendship—by making everything about herself.

Many people enjoy talking about themselves, as it feels good to have others listen to them. However, when someone consistently cuts others off to tell their own story, it sends the message that they don't care about the other person or their story. It also implies that they want to be listened to and feel good, rather than showing genuine interest in others. Constantly redirecting the conversation back to oneself asks everyone else to give something without receiving anything in return. This self-centered behavior can hinder the development of long-lasting relationships, as it makes others feel unimportant.

😠 Talking Too Much About Negative Things

Stacey had a habit of talking excessively about negative things. She would talk about her past, how she used to be skinnier, how she used to have nicer hair, and complain about the food or service when we ate together. This was the third and final way that Stacey broke the golden rule of friendship—by talking too much about negative things.

Talking about negative experiences or constantly complaining brings negative emotions to the conversation. Anger, disgust, jealousy, and sadness are just a few examples of the emotions associated with negative topics. Sharing these negative emotions can make others feel bad. If someone associates you with negative emotions too often, they are likely to start avoiding you. While it's okay to share such stories at the right time and place, it's crucial to be mindful of the emotions we bring into interactions, especially when getting to know someone.

🙌 Stick to the Golden Rule

When we look at the formula of friendship, Stacey was doing all the right things. She had good proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity in her social interactions. However, she did not apply the golden rule of friendship. In fact, she repeatedly broke the rule, which resulted in her making more enemies than friends. People started hating her because she followed the formula of friendship but made them feel bad at the same time.

The golden rule of friendship is like a plus or minus sign in front of our equation for developing friendships. If we stick to it, our friendships will grow. But if we break it, people will start to dislike us. It's a simple rule that we must keep in mind during all our future interactions.

🤔 The Importance of Value

Before we discuss body language, there is one more foundational concept that I want to teach you. It's something so powerful that it can potentially multiply the speed at which you befriend others and deepen your relationships with them. 

FAQ

What is the golden rule of friendship?

The golden rule of friendship states that if we want people to like us, we have to make them feel good. By making others feel good, they will want to be around us more. Conversely, if we make them feel bad, they will avoid us.

How did Stacey break the golden rule of friendship?

Stacey broke the golden rule of friendship in three different ways. Firstly, she had bad body language, appearing uninterested and unhappy when interacting with others. Secondly, she made conversations all about herself, cutting others off and not showing genuine interest in their stories. Lastly, she talked excessively about negative things, bringing negative emotions to the conversation and making others feel bad.

Why is it important to stick to the golden rule of friendship?

The golden rule of friendship is crucial for developing and maintaining healthy relationships. By following the rule, friendships can grow and deepen. However, breaking the rule can lead to others disliking us and hinder the formation of long-lasting relationships.

What is the next lesson about?

The next lesson will focus on the importance of value in befriending others and deepening relationships. It is a foundational concept that can significantly impact the speed at which we form connections with others.

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